We will miss you, Jason

Jason and Jackie, after our fundraiser garage sale last summer. Jason has just got out of the hospital after spending 6 months there, just a few days before this picture was taken. He unfortunately relapsed 2 months later.

Jason Eckrich passed away at 6:45am on Saturday, March 27th. His parents both at his side in the PICU at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. The doctors and nurses said they believe it was heart and lung failure, although his kidneys and liver had been failing the week before. His body just could not fight after he got the blood infection a couple of weeks ago. A blood infection after a round of chemo is not a good combination.

Kyle talked to Jason's dad, Steve, today, and I talked to Jackie tonight. We have learned things about what happens when a child dies, that no one should ever have to experience. Jackie told us the PICU staff told them they would do CPR on Jason until they were comfortable enough to make the call to stop. Jackie said her and Steve struggled for 35 minutes before they could say those words. She also said the PICU staff had Jason cleaned up, wires out of him, etc., in less than 5 minutes, and gave Steve and Jackie all the time they wanted to just lay next to Jason and say their goodbyes. Then they called the nurse up from the 3rd floor that always gave Jason his baths, to give him his last bath. When the person came up to transport Jason to the morgue, he recognized that they weren't ready yet, and said he would wait outside until they were. He then offered for them to walk with him if they wanted, or he could take Jason away too.

They also learned that one of the funeral homes in town will do everything at cost, and offer their services for free. They will not be in the business of making money when children die. What a noble thing to do as a business.

The casket that was picked out for Jason, was made from wood that was blessed by Monks before the tree was even cut down. I think that is pretty special.

It just amazes me that Steve and Jackie had to make these decisions. Making these decisions about a loved one would be hard enough, but for a child that fought so hard, went through so much, and was at one time, so full of life, just doesn't make sense.

Tyler and I have talked about it some more tonight, and I think he might understand it more than I give him credit for sometimes. Tonight he told me, out of the blue, "Mommy, it isn't fair that kids have to die." Exactly.

Please keep the Eckrich family in your prayers.

Tyler in college

I had the opportunity to spend a few minutes alone with Tyler today. That rarely happens, but the conversations we have are priceless...

Tonight we had to go to downtown Iowa City, and whenever we go into Iowa City, I explain to him what the University of Iowa is, and how he can go to college there someday if he wants to - and then, try explaining to a 5 year old what a "dorm" is. It's not as easy as it sounds.

"Mommy, I don't want to go to college when I'm 8." He said.

"Tyler, you don't have to go to college when you're 8, but 18, if you want." I told him.

The conversation then proceeded, and got a bit deeper...

"Mommy, but I don't want to go to college, because I don't want to live in a home without you, and I don't want you to forget about me."

(insert my breaking heart here....)

"Tyler, I would never forget you, even if you go to college. By that time, you'll have a cell phone, and you can call me whenever you want." I tell him.

"What's your phone number, Mom?" He asked. "I can call you every day then? Here, write your phone number down on this piece of paper" he told me, and found a scrap piece of paper in the back seat.

"Yes, you can call me every day" I told him. "You could even text me if you want to."

"Can you show me how to text?" he said. "I will text you every day to tell you that I love you."

Wow, Tyler. You never cease to amaze me, and really hope you can follow through with that promise, in about 13 years!

That's My Son

Last week while leaving Charlotte, I had a while before my flight left, so I just wandered around. I found a bookstore - which is really never a good thing. I cannot enter a bookstore without buying something, and LOVE browsing books. I usually end up buying at least one book, but usually only read 80% of it. (One of my odd quirks.) I found a rack with an interesting compilation: how to be a better leader, a better friend, a better cook, etc... and then found this book:Call me strange, but books usually "speak" to me. Just a glance at the cover and a flip through the book, gives me enough confidence to buy it.

While still in the bookstore, I opened this book to the Introduction, and read this:

"You hear his little feet stomping up the wooden porch steps fast as they can go on a summer's afternoon. You yell, "Don't small the screen do--" SLAM!

"Mom! Mom!" he hollers, so out of breath he can hardly get the words out. (Why are boys so loud? you think.) You hand him a glass of water, and he attemps to drink and tell his oh-so-important story at the time.

"Mom - GULP - I - GULP - saw - GULP, PANT, PANT - the most - GULP - biggest - GULP, PANT, PANT....."

You smile at him and gently push the hair from his eyes, lovingly studying his countenance. What you see causes your heart to melt like the chocolate bar he left on your dashboard in the hot sun. His smudged face, his dirt t-shirt, and the grass-stained knees of his jeans tell you he's been on some outrageous adventure about which you can only guess. His hair is damp with sweat, and he's got that incredible boy smell about him - one part fresh-cut grass, one part odor of dog, one part unwashed hands that have been who knows where, and one part long-lost dreams from your own childhood. You gaze at him with love, wondering what he will be like as a man..."

Instantly my eyes welled up with tears. I cannot even count how many times I do this. I will find myself just staring at him as he plays, watched his eyes and trying to figure out what's going through his mind just at that time.

This book was absolutely incredible, and I ended up reading the whole thing (GASP!) within about a hour and a half. I don't think I blinked the entire time. I hung on nearly every word, and have used a lot of what the book suggested already.

The book talks about how to discipline appropriately, how to get your son to listen to you, how to play with them, how to praise them, etc. It was amazing, and especially amazing is just how well it has worked so far! To get Tyler's attention now, I whisper at him, instead of yelling. He stops in his tracks, every time!

This book actually made me feel....normal. My boys have always been so.... crazy. I've had women raise their eyebrows at me in the stores, and I've become so frustrated at times that I just sat down on the floor, and cried. Knowing that most boys are crazy, rambunctious, loud, and don't stop moving, made me feel like I hadn't done something wrong. Most important, it helped me learn how to become a better and stronger mom so my boys will grow up understand what it means to be a man, by what behaviors to encourage and which to discourage.

It was nice to know we are pretty normal, after all....

The boys, after building a "fort" in Tyler's room. In this picture, every blanket we own is behind the mattress that is yes, on its side, and they are jumping on the bed, having an absolute BLAST! (This isn't something they do to cause trouble, or make a mess, but is truly a way they develop and learn, and have fun while doing it!)

I have to find a snowplow

I had to go out of town for work this week, so I'm sitting in a hotel in North Carolina.

I remember when I was a little... my dad would go out of town for work and would come home with cool stuff for us. Now that I think back, I think he just gave us stuff that the supplier that he went to visit, gave him (flashlights, rulers, pens, etc.), but to me as a kid, it was COOL! I loved that stuff, and would usually bring it for show and tell.

Now, every time before I have to go somewhere that will keep me overnight, I ask Tyler what he would like me to bring him. (Out of a tremendous sense of guilt, I guess, I will buy him a toy/snack/fill in the blank - pretty much whatever he asks for). This time, he asked for a snowplow. Yes, a snowplow.

I have no idea where this came from. He apparently wants a truck that looks like a snowplow. The only thing I can think that would be close is when we were at Wal-Mart yesterday, we stopped to looked at the toy cars. I think I remember seeing a John Deere that had a blade on it. Tyler must've seen it too, and just got in his mind that he wanted it.

So, I'm in North Carolina, looking for a snowplow.

I apologize in advance Tyler, but I don't think there will be much of an opportunity to get a snowplow, unless I go to Wal-Mart and get one, which would be ridiculous because we have a Wal-Mart 2 miles from our house. And, it doesn't snow here, really at all. They are talking about it "possibly snowing in Charlotte" on the news (Insert Newscaster's "GASP!" here), but seriously, it was 52 degrees when I got here today, and there are flowers planted in the ground.

I love you're thinking though, Tyler. You're always on it, your mind always going. Your big, huge, green/hazel eyes looking at me, telling me to have a good trip, was awesome! Thanks buddy! I needed that!

The Brick

Reading posts like this just infuriate me. Mostly, infuriate me with myself.

http://laylagrace.org/

I complain when the boys wake up too much at night. I complain when they don't listen. I complain when I take them to Wal-Mart and we need to use their bathrooms. I complain when they spill pancake batter on the floor.

And then I get hit with a brick.

"A brick" is when reality comes and smacks me in the head, and reminds me of just how good I have it. Little Jason across the street from us, is a "brick". His leukemia has returned, once again, and his family is currently on their Make-A-Wish trip to Disney World while the doctors here try to figure out what to do next. At this point, he's become an experiment. Nothing proven to have worked on individuals in the past, works on him. They are now searching for other doctors that have found other miracles, and trying to figure out what chemo treatment to use next that his body won't recognize, because he's had so many.

And "a brick" is coming across a blog where someone isn't complaining about their kids making messes, or not listening, or screaming too loud - but dying too slow.

Hug your kids, and enjoy every minute with them. It makes me so frustrated that it takes a brick to knock me back into reality, and really be thankful for what I truly have. A wonderful, beautiful, healthy, full-of-life, family.

From one of the blog posts:

"Towards the end of a pregnancy, a mother will wake up to go to the bathroom every few hours. I think this is the body’s way of preparing you for a newborn and the sleepless nights that come along with it. Layla now spends most of her days sleeping. 30-45 minutes after she wakes up, she is ready to lay down and sleep again. Is this God’s way of preparing me for all the quiet time that is coming soon? The house is quiet. I am able to go through the motions of laundry, dishes, cooking and picking up without interruptions. But I WANT interruptions. I WANT Layla to be under my feet asking for cookies. I WANT to hear her playing with her toys. I WANT to take 45 minutes to unload the dishwasher because she keeps trying to help. For every time I uttered the words “I just can’t get anything done with these kids under my feet all day” I am eternally regretful. The days that I looked forward to naptime so I could get a grocery list made, or finally fold all the piles of laundry…I regret those days too. If I could do it all again, I’d enjoy EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT I had with her. I would never wish for her to sit still or take a nap or go to bed early. I would never look forward to the days when she could sit through an entire episode of Dora silently. I would treasure every second with her."

For those of you that want kids, STOP!

Okay, well... maybe not stop, but proceed with caution.

I had a great idea today. (You can see where this might be going...) I thought since we had to get a couple things at the store, that we could possible make a "family night" of it. You know, a trip to Wal-Mart with the kiddos and the hubby. We could even grab a sandwich at Subway, leisurely walk through the store and pick up a few things that we need, and grab a birthday present for the party Tyler has tomorrow night. (This kid is officially invited to more parties than I am now!) Kyle also agreed that was a great idea.

Next time, we decided we are both going to either have to be drunk, or heavily medicated. Both, if at all possible.

We got to Subway as the boys were starving, and ordered two $5 foot longs (now the song will be going through your head over and over and over and over again too!). Both Chicken, because the boys love chicken. Since the boys wanted chips, Kyle and I both got a value meal - hey we're saving money already and haven't even started shopping yet! 2 chips, 2 drinks and 2 foot long sandwiches. That could certainly feed a quaint family of four!

Holy Lord

Tyler was furious that he didn't get his own drink. This is about when everything started going downhill. He stood at the pop machine whining for about 5 minutes about how he wanted Diet Pepsi, but Kyle had already filled his glass with Lemonade. Oh - the Horror!!!! (Tyler, you are a total drama king, if there is such a thing! And, I wouldn't give you Diet Pepsi at 6pm if my life depended on it!)

After we finally convinced Tyler to sit down with us and eat, preferably without whining, I cut my sandwich in half. God forbid, a sliver of lettuce had landed on his side of the sandwich! You would've thought someone had attempted to cut off his leg with the body writhing and squirming that proceeded. I picked off the lettuce, and any possible "lettuce juice" it left behind, and convinced him that if he ate his sandwich, it would help him grow big muscles.

We finally finished eating, and Connor needed to go potty. Awesome. Everyone knows how much I love the Wal-Mart bathrooms, and we got to experience them, yet again. At least this time I could suspend him in the air and aim - a definite benefit to having a boy. We didn't have to touch anything, and they had actually replaced the dead flowers on the sink with fresh ones. Lovely.

Once we got to shopping, Connor found the candy. At that point, I had already reached the "whatever" stage and let him grab what he wanted. It was one of those ring suckers, and he carried it around the whole store. Tyler freaked out about halfway through the store when he noticed Connor had one and he didn't. (Insert me cussing under my breath here.)

We got the necessities. Seriously, we needed milk, bread, butter, etc. Stuff that you would normally only buy before a snow storm, or every other day around here - based on the recent weather. We then needed to go to the toy section to buy something for the party Tyler has tomorrow night.

Never. Again. Never again will I take Tyler to buy a present for someone else, especially when that someone else is another 5 year old boy that has the same interests as Tyler.

After we decided on a toy (a cool Nerf gun), Tyler proceeded to throw another semi-tantrum in the toy section because HE WANTED ONE TOO!!!!! Now, Kyle and I were both beyond reasoning with him, and seriously, at least twice, considered leaving him at the store, or pretending that we didn't know who he was. He was awful.

He drug the toy with him through the store, all the while saying "This is MY gun, MINE, I want this gun, this isn't for Jackson, this is for ME!", and on and on and on and on. It was ridiculous.

At the cash registered, Connor spotted more candy, and gum. Tyler had a death grip on that stupid gun, and then knocked a whole pack of candy on the floor while flipping it around while trying to keep it from us. Candy went everywhere. Kyle was beyond frustrated because we were at the "self-checkout" which wouldn't scan half of our items, and if I heard that lady say "Please Put the Item in the Bagging Area" one more time, I was going to absolutely lose it, right then and there.

We got home, and nothing really improved. Tyler had tantrum after tantrum out of pure exhaustion. Kyle and I got to the point where we fought about how to disciple a kid that is misbehaving, but also tired, so we started yelling at each other. Tyler was so tired tonight, I think Kyle literally hog tied him and put him in bed at about 7:50. He was out in 2 seconds.

The night continued with a lovely chorus of cuss words out of Kyle because he couldn't get our home computer to work and me trying to finish my paper for school while typing with only my left hand because Connor was at one time, glued to my right leg.

Connor closed the night for us by getting out of bed 1,584 times.

I'm exhausted, and although I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for the world, I'm glad no one asked me why I had kids, at 6:25 tonight.

Advice from a 5 year old

I have been so forgetful lately. So forgetful, it's almost embarrassing. Two weeks ago, I got 23 miles into my commute, when I realized my computer was on the kitchen counter at home. I've forgotten my purse at least twice in the last couple of weeks, but at least I noticed that before I gotten out of town. It's got to the point where Kyle isn't even surprised when I walk back in the door anymore at home after just leaving.

Friday morning, I drove the kids to daycare. I had class all day Friday, and I'm usually frazzled on the mornings before school. I'm not sure why, maybe just because I want to get there, get it started, and get it done. I'm worried if we did the homework correctly, would I get called on that day, would there be a surprise presentation, etc.

As we were about halfway to daycare, I looked at the passenger seat beside me. I had my computer, I had my school bag, but no purse. I think I punched the steering wheel, and starting using code swear words... "frick, frick, ffffffffffff, dangit, crap, crap, crap!" was all that would come out of my mouth. I took the next turn I could, and started heading back home.

Tyler asked, of course, why we weren't going the right way to daycare. I told him I had forgot my purse at home, again....

Tyler: "Why did you forget your purse again, Mommy?"

Me: "Because I forget everything these days!" (I was still very frustrated!)

Tyler: "Why do you forget everything?"

I actually thought about how I should answer this, and figured the truth would be the best in this case.

Me: "Because I have too much on my mind sometimes, Tyler. I just forget stuff."

Tyler: "Maybe you could take some stuff off your mind." he suggested.

Now I'm smirking, because I realize I'm about to get a good dose of "Tyler advice". Tyler advice is the best advice you could get, because it usually brings me back to reality, calms me down, and makes me giggle a little.

Me: "So, how should I take stuff off my mind?" I replied.

Tyler: "Well, maybe you could put some of it in your purse." He told me. "Maybe you could take one of your old purses, and put it in there, and then you could take it to Wal-Mart, and then you could leave that purse there. Then it would be off your mind, and gone."

Perfect, Tyler. Again, thank you for making these things that seem so big, and seem to ruin my day at times, so simple and so unimportant in the big picture of life!