Tonight was one of those nights with Tyler. Not one of the worst nights we've ever had, but definitely not the best. Just one of those nights where he decided to push almost every limit he could find.
He started by throwing dirt in his brothers face. Then, when it was time to come inside, he looked right at me, and called me "stupid". I hate it when he says that, and he says it just to get me going, and he knows it works. Then he proceeded to walk backward in the yard, while giving me the "I dare you to come get me" look.
By the time I finally got him inside, he was pissed. He knew he finally lost (when I finally caught him and literally drug him inside. I WILL NOT let him disobey me) and was not happy about that. He had a total meltdown in the middle of the living room, and although I walked out of the room during the height of the tantrum, I could hear things being thrown all around as he tried to get his hands on anything he could chuck at the walls.
Then I lost it.
I hate it when that happens.
Something literally snaps in my brain (I can almost feel it), and I simply cannot handle the crap anymore. Period.
I yell, I scream, it's almost as if I'm trying to force the words into his head, that he so defiantly won't listen to.
After those episodes, and sometimes even during them, I have to calm myself down. I tell myself that the reason he is doing whatever he is doing because he doesn't know any other way to express his emotions at that time.
And then I do the same thing.
All night then, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that just finds a way to my shoulders, and sits there like a giant dumbbell for the rest of the night. Then the guilt weighs even more heavy when I go check on him while he is sleeping, and he's so peaceful. So quiet, and so precious.
I really suck at this parenting thing sometimes.
2 comments:
no, you don't suck at it. it's just HARD. there are days I lose my cool at the latest thing they've ruined in my home or for hitting a sibling for the 500th time that day. it happens, and we learn from it. sometimes, they learn from it, too ;)
We've had a couple of consistently rough days here too. The last two especially. I worked this weekend and my mom watched B for me and from the moment I tried to pick him up to bring him home things went downhill. I'm at the point in all of this where I'm seriously considering counselling of some sort or a psychologist. Just to help me figure out how to help B and how to be what he needs me to be. Looking back over the past couple of years I can definitely see improvements and good progression both due to him growing older and definitely due to the change in diet but as mentioned in The Explosive Child, I really do believe that he is lacking in the ability to identify and express his feelings and, while he knows his reactions are inappropriate, does not know how to react any other way.
Hugs to you, mama. I know how exhausting it is and how discouraging it is for ourselves when we react in exactly the opposite way to how we want to. And then, yes, they fall asleep and look like angels or, once calm, give us the biggest hug there ever was and say, "I love you." It's definitely hard.
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