Random Heartache

Today I had to run an errand during lunch. I typically don't leave the building for lunch, my less go anywhere in my car, so today was pretty unique.

As I was driving down the road, some song came on the radio. I don't even remember what song it was, but for whatever reason, at that instant, I missed my kids horribly. It was almost as if a rush of "Protective Mother" came washing over me, and I felt like I instantly needed to go get my kids and just be with them. It was as if my heart instantly became heavy. I didn't even know what I would do when I got there... I just knew I needed to "be"there.

For that moment, almost 1000 thoughts went through my head...

"Why am I doing this? Why do I work? Why am I not home with my children? They are MY children. Right now, what are they doing???..."

I looked at the clock, it was 11:40. "They are probably eating lunch," I said to myself, but knew it would soon be naptime for them, where Connor naps for the solid 90 minutes, and Tyler usually just rests, as he's growing out of the napping phase. (Luckily, the daily sheets that come home with them give me a slight clue of what happens throughout the day.)

That minute seemed to last for an hour. I even went to the "Why do I have someone else watching my kids? What if I just quit my job and stayed home with them?" place with that thought. The guilt just building up with every second of the thought I was having.

I arrived at my destination, and was again, distracted by the moment of the urgent that I needed to do. That is usually how I spend most of my day at work, which is why that thought today was so new. I had those moments when the boys were babies, but not recently. Not the longing of absolutely needing to be there. The moment then passed.

Maybe I'll always have these thoughts. I see parents walking with their children when I'm down on the University of Iowa campus, and I see the looks those parents have in their eyes. Those parents visiting their son or daughter for the day or weekend. So much pride for their children, so much hope, and so much love. All in just a look in their eye. So maybe that is what I'm longing for when I have those thoughts. Just to see my children so I can feel the most pure sense of pride, the feeling of hope and absolute love for my boys. Maybe that feeling isn't so bad after all...

(Just as I typed that last line, "My Airplane" flew over. And that is why that silly airplane makes me so happy...)