Texting Tyler

Sitting here at work, in my office, and for some reason, I almost picked up my phone and texted Tyler.  Yes, Tyler, my 5-year-old son (that doesn't have a phone). 

Sometimes at work I just think about them, a lot.  I wonder what they are doing. 

I remember that today is Wednesday, which means it is "sprinkler day", so I hope that Tyler found his swimsuit and towel today at daycare.  He has been known to lose them.  They are good about holding the kids accountable for taking care of their things, so if they can't find their suit that day, they can't go swimming.  I would say that is good motivation!  But being a mom, I would drive down from Cedar Rapids and bring him another suit if that meant he got to go to the pool that day or play in the water, since that is his favorite thing to do.  When it's happened before he just said "Yea, I couldn't find my suit today until after swimming, so I stayed here with some of the kids.  It was okay.  I played with Legos.  I need to be more careful of what I do with my stuff.  I found my suit in the clean laundry basket anyway because I didn't pick it up when they asked me to..."  (Holy Crap!  This is my kid???  Holding himself accountable?)

I had to run to Walgreens at lunch, and they had a sale on those silly bracelets that are in style with kids these days.  Those bracelets that are all different shapes that they trade and stuff.  (Reminds me of the rubber bracelets I had as a kid.)   I picked him up 4 packages of them (as he loses them quickly).

It really made me stop, when I thought "I should text Tyler and tell him I picked up some of the bracelets he had been eyeing at the mall...", but quickly remember... I can't. 

I wish there was a way I could send him messages in the day, just to tell him I love him and Connor.  And I'll see them tonight... that they can help me cut the grass, and we'll play outside and enjoy the warm evening air. 

Someday I will...  I'm missing you boys right now.....

Pure Joy

We have some of the most awesome friends that asked us to go boating with them this past Saturday.  I haven't been out in a boat on the Coralville Reservoir in years.  I grew up boating with my parents, and my mom and dad always used to tell me that I was born to be on a boat, and I now believe them.  It was one of the most awesome days I have had in a looooong time.  It was just purely beautiful...

Connor was all decked out and ready to go the minute we hit the water.  He had such a blast, and I think he's going to be just like me with the water.

Connor sat on my lap for most of the trip (mostly so I could hold on to him), but you can tell by this smile that he's having a blast.  I think you can tell by my smile that I am too.  (Please pardon the Flock of Seagulls hairdo I have going on - the boat was going pretty fast when I took this!)

It was nice to see the old bridge again.  The bridge that gets painted with friendly graffiti every time the water gets as high as it is now.  The water on the lake is extremely high in this picture, but made it extra nice for us since they were limiting boats on the water.  The early boaters got the lake to themselves.

The boys were so excited to tube.  We even got Tyler in the tube with goofy Kyle and our neighbor, Dylan. 

We stopped in a cove and just sat in the sun or floated around.  Your choice.  I sat in the boat and soaked in the sun with the most absolute joy I have had in a while.  Although my lips are still sunburned, and my forehead and nose are peeling, I would do it again in a minute.  (In this picture, I think Kyle and Connor were having a very deep conversation.)

The best part of the day was when I got to ski.  I hadn't skied in twelve years.  Yes, twelve.  So, it took me three tries to finally get up on the skis, but when I was up, I remember being pulled along and just smiling from ear to ear, and trying to soak it all in as fast as possible.  There is just such a freedom, to me, when you're being pulled along the water, that it just made me the happiest person in the world at that moment.  It was incredible. 

I got to hang out with my friend Sarah, who had her LAST chemo treatment today for breast cancer.  Her tumor has shrunk with every chemo treatment, and will have surgery here soon, but they are confident that the chemo was successful.  She had such a blast too.  We drank beer, and talked, and just laughed.

I love being on the water, and about halfway through out day, I looked at Kyle, and he looked at me.  We knew exactly what each other was thinking at that moment...

"I love this..." he said.

"I do too." I replied, "5 year plan?"

"Yep, 5 year plan."  he replied, "buy a boat."

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the day.  Nor, did I want to....

Heartbreak

Tyler's excitement as he watched a gator at The Rainforest Cafe when we were in Chicago.

Today was the day.

It was the first day that Tyler decided he wanted to take his OWN money to the store and buy a toy.  He usually gets cards for his birthday and holiday from his grandparents with money in it, and has been sticking it in his bank for a long time.  He recently starting putting some of that money into to his wallet that Grandpa got him.  He was "cool" doing this.

Connor took a nap (and I SO wanted to also, but since Kyle was already napping on the couch, I decided it would be a very bad idea to have both of us napping with a 5 year old running around - so I forced myself out of the chair).  I went and found Tyler, and asked him if he wanted to go to the store.  "YES!" He immediately answered, "but only if I can bring my wallet because I want a toy!", he replied.

"Awesome", I thought to myself, "he finally wants to start taking this into his own hands."  So, we head off to the store with myself, Tyler and his wallet containing $28.  I stopped at Starbucks and got a triple shot of espresso (seriously, I was that tired), and I was good to go.

We arrived at Wal-Mart, and we double counted his money just to make sure.  We took out one $2 bill and I explained to him why we couldn't possibly spend that, but the rest was good to go.  $26 was good to spend on anything he could afford in the store.

We got into the store, and made a beeline to the toy department, where he immediately found the Nerf gun section.  To me, what a total waste of money, but to a 5 year old boy, that must be the Holy Grail, because there was no other aisle he was even closely interested in except Legos, which cost $50 for any set he wanted.

He picked out his gun that he drooled over for a couple of minutes, and it was $19.96.  He was so proud.  He smiled from ear to ear, and picked it up, and his whole face just beamed with happiness.  I don't know if I have seen him that happy in a long time...

"This will be MY gun, Mommy, that I bought with my OWN money...." he said very proudly. 

"Yes it will, Tyler, yes it will..." I replied, with tears in my eyes.  Seriously.  (I don't know why - maybe because I realized how fast he is growing up.)

We had to meander through the store back to the infants department to get Connor some pull-ups for nighttime, and then walked to the registers.  The whole time, he just talked and talked about random things, and it was so nice.  We had so much fun.  It just makes me smile to think about it.

As we walked to the register, I found one that was open, and as we walked toward it, I asked him if he was ready to pay for his gun, and then looked at his hands.  All he had was his gun.  His wallet was gone.

"Tyler, where's your wallet?" I asked him.  He looked at me with the most panicked look on his face.

"I don't know, Mommy, I don't know, where is it, where is it???" he started to say... having an absolute panic attack.

"We'll walk back through the store at anyplace where you may have set it down, and see if we can find it... it's okay...it's okay..." I told him.  I had to keep telling him it would be okay.  He was nervous, and the tears were starting to form.

We looked and looked, and we didn't find it.  He was heartbroken.  I was heartbroken.  I told him I would pay for the toy and he could pay me back WHEN we find his wallet, and he just stood at the cash register and cried and cried.  I have never seen a more heartbroken cry from Tyler, ever.  He was so disappointed in himself, he didn't even know what to do.

We walked to the Customer Service counter, and gave them our name and number, and a description of it, and the whole way home, I had to explain why we might not see it again, but hopefully a nice honest person will find it and turn it in.  Then I had to explain what honest meant, and that it could, but why it might not possibly turn up.

I kept telling Tyler that this was a good lesson learned, and everyone has lost a wallet, and I bet he'll (I'll) never do that again.  I'll make sure we have it in hand at all times, just so I don't have to see that heartbreak again.

But, I'm checking my cell phone every 5 minutes to make sure I haven't received a call from the store saying they have Tyler's wallet, and heart, for us to pick up.

The Explosive Child (My very long post)

All I can say, is it's been difficult lately.  Tyler has had a tremendously difficult summer.  I'm not sure if he's growing into himself, getting extremely tired, just frustrated at life, or if it's a combination of everything.  In the picture below, I am sitting with Tyler on a Saturday morning.  I think Connor took this picture (as he randomly will pick up the camera and start taking pictures of things - and yes - I'm still in my pretty pajamas.  Yes, sporting my classy beer shirt.)  It wasn't until I saw this picture, until I realized what I really needed to do.

 Could you imagine a more unhappy 5 year old?  And if I remember correctly, there really wasn't anything that spurred this.  This is a normal emotional reaction for Tyler.  

Today I had some time, so I sat on our deck and read the book "The Explosive Child".  I had a good friend I met on the internet recommend this to me a while ago, and when I got it, I read the first page that was the story of a 15 year old child, and thought, "This book certainly isn't for me...", and put it away.  I'm not sure what spurred me to pick it up today, but I think it might've been out of pure desperation, hope, and maybe prayer that guided me to this book that is going to be a total savior. 

I always knew Tyler was a "different" child.  And by different, I cannot describe it to anyone.  My friends don't understand, my family doesn't understand, and sometimes, even Kyle doesn't understand.  He was different from the day he was born.  From the day we had to blow up that stupid "bouncy ball" in the living room (the exercise ball that to my dying day, I will hate) just in order to soothe him.  He did not like to be rocked, and did not like to be left alone.  He wanted to be bounced, constantly, and it. was. exhausting.  And that is putting it lightly.

Okay, okay... everyone reading this will say, "Yea, yea,  babies are babies, and he couldn't have been that bad...", but seriously, to this day, I have never had a sitter for more than an hour that wasn't family.  Wasn't someone that I could bare my soul to, and tell them just how it was going to be, and would still love me when it was all over.

This summer, Tyler had T-ball.  What an awesome opportunity to meet some new friends, play a sport he liked, and hang out with daddy, who was going to be one of the coaches.  But it didn't turn out that way.

 Daddy pitching to Tyler, the last time Tyler hit for the season, right before a massive meltdown.

It was horrible.  Just, plain, horrible.  I dreaded the nights as they came, because we knew what we were in for.  Tyler would decide about 2 minutes into the game not to play, and would just sit on the bench, as the rest of his team was on the field, and then would throw the most MASSIVE fit in the world when we wouldn't let him hit the time it was his turn, because he wouldn't play the outfield when it was his turn.  It was embarrassing, it was exhausting, and it was just plain horrible (I've run out of words to describe it).  

Tyler getting "gloved up" before he hit.

We threatened to take him home, to shave off his mohawk when he had it, and take toys away.  Nothing worked.  When Tyler decided he didn't want to do anything, he wasn't going to do it.  

So it was a combination of all of this, that made me pick up this book today, and I actually cried while reading it.  Chapter 2 is titled "Children Do Well If They Can".  Reading the following part brought the tears to my eyes:

"Some children are inflexible and easily frustrated from the moment they pop into the world.  For example, infants with difficult temperaments may be colicky, have irregular sleep patterns, have difficulties with feeding, may be difficult to comfort or soothe, may overreact to noises, lights, and discomfort (hunger, cold, a wet diaper, etc.), and respond poorly to changes.  Other children may not begin to have difficulty with flexibility and frustration tolerance until later, when demands increase for skills such as language, organization, impulse control, regulation of emotions, and social skills.  

Here's the important point:  The children about whom this book is written do not choose to be explosive - any more than a child would choose to have a reading disability - but they are delayed in the process of developing the skills essential for flexibility and frustration tolerance.  It follows that conventional explanations as to why children explode or refuse to do as they are told - "He's doing it for attention", "He just wants his own way", "He's manipulating us", "He could do better if he really wanted to", "He does just fine when he chooses to" - miss the mark.  There's a big difference between viewing explosive behavior as the result of the failure to progress developmentally and viewing it as learned, planned, intentional, goal-oriented, and purposeful.  That's because your interpretation of a child's explosive behavior will be closely linked to how you try to change this behavior.  In other words, your explanation  guides your intervention." 

Wow, I kept thinking to myself.  This is Tyler.  You can see in his eyes how he just doesn't understand what is happening at times, why he is the way he is, and how embarrassed he is after an "episode".  I even made a list of their "suggested triggers" for one of his meltdowns, and on their suggested list of "possible" triggers, I did not need to go far beyond it.  Getting ready for school, taking a different route home from school, stopping at the store - unexpectedly, or sometimes just a tag in a shirt, is enough to send him totally over the edge, into a complete meltdown.  I've been late for work before because he had a meltdown over the socks he was wearing.  Socks.  Seriously.  

I'm really excited to put into practice some of the suggestions the book made, and even used one, very proudly tonight.  We were at a friends house across town, and Tyler wanted me to just go home and get his scooter because there were other boys in the neighborhood on scooters.  I got down to his level, and talked to him.  Instead of simply barking a "NO" at him and yelling "I am NOT going home Tyler, that is NOT an option", we talked through it.  Why it really wouldn't be a good idea to drive all the way across down for a scooter, and since that wasn't an option, is there anything else we could do that would help make him not so mad.  (And seriously, I used that simple of language).  

Guess what - no meltdown.  No tears.  And I kept my cool - something that normally wouldn't happening in that situation.  The books say you will feel like you are "giving in" to them, and in a way, I did, because he didn't get mad, but that's the point.  I am finding a way to communicate with Tyler in a way he understands.  I'm teaching Kyle what I learned too, and it's amazing.  I'm excited to see where this takes us, and where we can take Tyler now. 

Maybe it's the hidden psychologist in me that is just dying to come out.  I've listened to CDs about brain development, and read books about "What's Going on in There", which explains the brain development of children, and all children are different.  I knew Tyler was a different, but not different, special, child, from about the time he was 2 weeks old.  I knew most kids weren't like him, and I knew it would take me, changing myself, to help get us (both him and I) to where he needs to be.

Kyle and I talked to what do we do next summer, with T-ball.  Do we register him and not have him play a full game again, or just save our $20 and forget it?  I think we'll make it now. 

And as one of my favorite bloggers, Kelle Hampton says,  "Look for good, and you will find it..."

I love this look!

This was the look Connor sported before our bike ride tonight.  He went and found the sunglasses himself.  He says he doesn't like the way the sun gets in his eyes when he's trying to peddle! 

I think he's going to do just fine in life....he just wants to make you smile...

The meeting at the gas station

I'm pretty sure I had seen it before, but tonight, I saw the part of it I don't think I ever wanted to see.  I was on my way to pick up the boys from daycare, and passed the corner convenience store. 

There they were, two cars.  One car with a lady and a girl.  The girl being about 7 years old or so, that seemed very excited.  The car next to theirs was a car with a man in it, who was getting out of his car, excitedly as well.

He opened up the back door of the car that was next to him, and the girl almost lept into his arms, while her mom dug for some imaginary thing she had dropped on the floor of the car, never looking at the man that was embracing her daughter like he hadn't seen her in years. 

It was so precious, yet so disturbing, all in the same moment.  I was stopped at a stop light, so I witnessed the whole thing.  The mother digging around on her floor, the father so excited to see his, what I would guess to be, daughter, and the little girl just about ready to turn inside out she was so excited for what was about to happen.

The whole thing just made me kind of sad.  Actually, really sad.  How does your life get deteriorated to the point where you are meeting at corner convenience stores to "exchange" children?  I'm only assuming that is what happened, but I've witnessed that a couple times in the town that I live.  And unfortunately, for the parents, it is never a happy moment.  What happens to get you to the point? 

For whatever reason, I just had to blog about this.  Maybe because it just touched me, affected me, bothered me, and everything else in between. 

I drove the next 15 seconds to daycare, and when I picked up my boys, gave them an extra hard hug that day, which they gladly received.  I just love picking them up.  The glow on their faces when they see me is just priceless, like they hadn't seen me in forever, and are just so excited that I showed up.  I just love those moments.  And they aren't happening in a gas station parking lot. They are happening in their "second home".  Their daycare, with their friends, their security, and familarness. 

I'm going to try to get over this now, but it is still weighing on my mind.  What will this girl remember in 20 years???  Will she remember a gas station, or the thrill of her father or mother picking her up?  Will she remember what got her to that point, or will she remember the love they have for her when they are alone? 

My years of psychology classes have trained me to think this way, which I love, but sometimes leaves me thinking about things that have no answer - at least now.........

Happy Father's Day, Kyle...

It's been nearly ten years that we've been married, and nearly 20 that we've known each other, and I don't think there has been a time that I have love you more, until now.  We've had our challenges (and we'll leave it at that), but know each other so well now, that we've seemed to have reached a perfect place.  As every relationship, we have learned, is not about challenges, but about loving the other person for everything.  For their perfect-ness and less-than-desireable parts.  It took us a while to figure that out, but after especially the last couple of months, we've come to a new place of love.  Thank you for being an awesome father for your boys too...

You do such a perfect job teaching them how to appreciate nature.  Although Connor was scared to death of these fish that were as big as him, you coaxed him up to the tank, and had him laughing and giggling in no time.

 

The boys would follow you anywhere, as long as you lead.  This has more meanings than I could even type.

You do such a good job at taking them places that they would otherwise not go on their own.  Connor would go beyond the 2 foot deep water, until you coaxed him into the deep end, and had him actually having fun. 

 

You are such a kid at heart too.  I have always noticed how kids are drawn to you.  At first I thought it was just your freckles, because they made you look different.  Kids always smiled at you.  I think though, it's just your young heart.  This sense of a kid that you carry with you everywhere.

l

I appreciated how you teach the boys to stop sometimes, and just enjoy what they are doing.  For living in a home with three boys that go 100 miles per hour most times, you seem to have taught them to enjoy what they need to enjoy.  Just stop and look. 

And the goofball in you is always there....

Always having fun...

 And still doing your part to save us money.  Even if it means Tyler gets the mohawk that he has been asking for for months.  This still makes me cringe, but that fact that you are okay with it, makes me smile.  Happy Father's Day, Kyle!!!