I walked in to his room, and Connor wasn't asleep, but he wasn't awake. It's almost as if he had a bad dream or something, something that just made him unsettled. I walked in to his room and he rustled around in his bed, whimpering a little, not noticing that I was standing there. Eventually, he must've turned just right, and saw me standing there, so he sat up and reached his arms out to me. I picked him up and sat down in the chair with him. I think he was back asleep before I even sat down, but I just sat with him for a while.
I try to push my boys to be independent, letting them figure things out on their own, and watching them get hurt so many times, but also telling them "it'll be okay" when they get a bump or bruise - hopefully teaching them to be tough boys, deal with the blows, but when you need someone to pick you up, I'll be there...
I sat in the chair with Connor for about 5 minutes, maybe more. I just totally lose track of time when I do that. Just rocking in the chair - me and him, breathing in his calm and listening to his small snores. Soaking in every minute of this connection that he isn't even aware that we have at that moment - as he's off in dreamland. If I could do this every night, I would, but I also have learned my lesson.
When I was pregnant with Connor, I was exhausted. I would get Tyler ready for bed, take him to his room, we would read a couple books, and then he would ask me to "sit in the chair". He would grab his blanket, point at the chair, and that meant he wanted me to hold him. I LOVED this as it was an awesome time for us to bond, a perfect time for me to wind down - and I would usually end up falling asleep. Kyle would come in later and wake me up, sometimes an hour after we started rocking.
Although this was such a special time for us, I knew it would have to end, because I wouldn't be able to do that with a little baby at the same time. I knew if Connor ate anything like Tyler, that I would shortly become a human milk-machine - and assume my seat in the living room nursing a baby 24 hours a day. Definitely didn't leave time for much else, especially cuddling with Tyler in the rocking chair - and daddy couldn't assume this role. Tyler didn't want to rock with Daddy, just me.
It was rough - I started by shortening the times we rocked, finally getting to the point where I had to tell him "no, I can't rock tonight, I'll see you in the morning", which was not met with much cooperation. This ensued Tyler's routine to get out of bed 500 times in order to come see what we were doing because he was so afraid he was going to miss something.
So, I have my struggle. Encourage independent boys that don't need someone to help them fall asleep, or risk needing to do something every night by rocking Connor every once in a while if he needs it. I wish I could do it every night, but I also know that those times you would need to rock become longer and longer, as they figure out that you will eventaully put them down - and start fighting sleep even harder.
I'll get my fix when I can for now. I can even get my fix with Tyler sometimes - when we cuddle in the chair while watching a show - tonight it was Spiderman. I know my boys won't want to do this forever either - so I will take every minute I can.
Speaking of Connor - I think he has a new favorite food. LASAGNA! He's had it 3 times in the last week, and every time he eats it, he cannot eat it fast enough or get enough of it. And by the way, it's fairly difficult to get spaghetti sauce off of your skin without a little scrubbing!
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