Vent Vent Vent

Frustrating day. Everywhere I turned, there was a turd sandwich waiting for me. I can't win for anything. I sometimes wonder, "is this what my life is resigned to? Running so fast at work that when I'm walking behind people they turn around to see who is there because I'm walking so fast".

I sometimes wonder what is normal anymore. Will I ever have a lunch hour again that someone doesn't schedule a meeting over? I don't want to complain, because that gets you nowhere, but this is where I come to vent - so if you choose to read this, you can hear me whine.

I left work today with 100 unread e-mails. Unread. That is on top of the e-mails that I actually had time to read today. I still have the pleasure of logging on tonight to answer them, and then get up before dawn to be at our 6:30 Team Building Event (total sarcasm - our "You suck and so does your Inventory and you'll never amount to anything - and let me prove that to you" event hosted by my boss.) Try explaining that to your husband, exactly why you have to be there before normal people even get up, and that he has to get the kids ready in the morning by himself, again. And you likely won't see your kids until about 5:30 that night - not a good morning, not a good bye kiss, nothing.

I never envisioned this. I never envisioned wondering when the kids would both be asleep so I could log on to work at night. I never envisioned wondering what block of time would be "rewarded" to be on the weekend so I could work. I never envisoned staying at work so late that I actually had to worry if I would get to daycare before they closed. I never envisioned putting my family last.

But that is what they are right now. Last. Dead last to this rat race that is running me ragged. They deal with my crabby moods at night, and my husband deals with being ignored every night after the kids go to bed. Tyler actually told me today when I picked him up from daycare "Mommy, I really missed you today at daycare". Having that come out of a 3 year old mouth is heartbreaking. I know I'm missed, but to hear it vocalized is something else. He realizes I'm not there, he realizes that I'm not even there when I am there.

I'm not sure how this whole thing will turn out. Will things even out and stabalize, or will I resign to giving up - which is not me at all.

I'm strong. I will figure this out. What worries me sometimes is the 17 people that work for me. Do they have these same feelings at home? Are they doing the same things - for me - because that is what is demanded of them during the day? That is also heartbreaking. That people refer to me as "the hag" because I demand production out of them - I demand results.

I can just sit here and sigh - and whine - or do something about it.