Being a mom without being a mom

Today was one of those days. It was a fairly normal, but crazy (normal) workday. It felt productive, although I don't have much to show of it. I know I did a lot of "stuff" today, but can't exactly tell you what I accomplished. Yea, One of those days.

I left the house before 6am, and got home at 8:30pm. All work in between those hours. We had a dinner tonight which was a great networking opportunity. One of those that at the last minute I second guess, and try to talk myself out of. "I should really be at home", I tell myself. "The dinner will probably be boring".

It was a great dinner. I talked to people I hadn't talked to in years, met up with old bosses, and got to speak in front of the group of people. But I didn't see Connor today. I left the house before anyone was up, and got home after he went to bed.

On those days that I don't see him, it feels as though a part of my life is missing. I didn't get to see that goofy face. The crazy blond hair when he wakes up in the morning. The huge, bright smile, or the filthy, dirty boy that I pick up from daycare because he happily played in the dirt all day (although they try 10 times to remove him from the one dirt pile on the whole playground!).

I hate those days. Although I did get to do what I loved, and that is my job, I missed what I love most, and that is my family. I did get home soon enough to see Kyle and Tyler for about 45 minutes, but just had the opportunity to go into Connor's room and see him sleeping. Looking at his now, seemingly huge, although still-so-small body. See his crazy blond hair, and his fat little fingers.

I miss those smiles, those laughs, those giggles, and seeing what new things he attempts every night. It seems as though I'm a "mom", but not a mom. I hate those days.