I've watched Oprah for years now, and have heard her say hundreds of time that the older you get, the more you love yourself, the more complete you are. I always wondered what that means (It always sounded like some shallow cliche to me), but I think I'm starting to figure it out. I'm starting to figure me out. I just celebrated my 10 year anniversary with the company I work with, at 34 years old. I'm pretty proud of that accomplishment, but have gone through quite a lot to get there.
Work has been difficult for me lately. Well, not just work, but my whole life in general. I would consider this one of the most trying times of my life so far, the second most trying being when Tyler was 9 months old. For some reason, that age is very difficult for me. Maybe it's not the age, but just what is going on in my life when they happen to be that age. Right now I'm 6 months into a brand new job that I was asked to assume while I was on maternity leave. I would consider it a promotion (without the raise), or at least a "nod" from my management that they trust that I can do this job. I sometimes wonder what they were thinking - or what I was thinking when my boss called when Connor was 8 weeks old and offered me this job, and I answered him before he even completed his sentence.
One of the things I'm having a very hard time with is still being who I am. I often worry that, as a manager, I actually care too much. I care about the thoughts and feelings and desires of the 17 people that work for me, and instead of raking them over the coals every month due to an unacceptable scorecard, I ask myself "do they have the right tools and training to do this job right?", and I usually come up with a resounding "no". They DO NOT have the tools, the training, the where-with-all to even know that they are making mistakes. I am asked to hold these folks accountable for these unacceptable metrics, even though it is far beyond their reach at this point to even grasp various concepts. The "new sherrif" wants to hold everyone accountable for everything - and if they fail, well, document that and bring it up in their review. We'll get all these "slackers" out of here soon. That is NOT how I work.
I received some very good advice a couple of weeks ago from a previous mentor I had, and that is "concentrate on what you can control, and do that well - then have FUN!". Okay - much easier said than done, but those words run through my head 100 times a day. I also received some really good advice at one time that was "Don't do anything that feels wrong inside".
So, I made a vow to myself. I will respect myself and know my limits, as well as respect the people around me. I will be nice, I will laugh, I will even buy bagels every once in a while - sometimes for no reason at all. I will not be so busy making a living that I forget to make a life. I will be happy when I am away from my desk, and make sure it is all kept in perspective.
Seriously, for me, there is no promotion high enough, no salary large enough, no alternative reward cool enough that it is worth sacrificing my ability to look myself in the mirror and like who I see. And THAT'S what Oprah meant. As you get older, you know exactly who you are, who you have become, and that you created that reality for yourself. That's deep.
Who are you?
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